Halloween fic comes in all flavors: vamp and human, fluffy and fun, dark and disturbing, and of course, sexy and smutty; you name it, you can find it. Our pervs have worked hard to gather some goodies so we can play a little Trick or Treat.
We'll start with the Treats:

Night Time Romeo

by nerac AH, E/B

Jen- Night Time Romeo by nerac is a sweet and funny o/s (it was written for a contest; subsequent chapters stand alone). It’s almost Halloween, and an unwilling Bella is dragged to a costume shop by Alice. Alice insists that Bella try on costumes. After a struggle to get the sexy dress on, Bella meets Edward. They’re immediately attracted to each other, but are completely awkward together. What happens at the Halloween Party? Will Bella get her Night Time Romeo? Will they give in to the tension between them and have sexytimes?



Her Own Particular Shade of Ebony
by theladyingrey42 AU, Alice/Jasper

Her Own Particular Shade of Ebony by theladyingrey42 is a dark vampire story. Jasper is a vampire and Alice is still human. He’s drawn to her because through his gift he experiences people’s emotions as colors, and Alice’s color is the strongest he’s ever experienced. Theladyingrey42 has created a visually rich story, and you feel the storm brewing as the o/s builds to a conclusion. Though there is an undeniable attraction between them, this is not exactly a love story. Theladyingrey42’s stories are always beautiful, so go and read this one to find out what happens at the intersection of madness, blood, and sex.


Countdown to Halloween
by Breath-of-Twilight Supernatural, E/B

Jenn - Breath-of-Twilight is hosting the Countdown to Halloween II One Haunted Hallows Eve. This ‘story’ is a collection of 31 anonymous one shots. Authors will be revealed on Halloween. As I was reading through, chapter 5 (oneshot #3) really captivated me. From the time she’s 14, Bella finds herself being comforted by an invisible presence when she is extremely upset. Each year, she learns a bit more about this presence, and she eventually figures out that his name is Edward. I don’t want to spoil the rest of the story, so I’ll leave it at this: it’s very sweet and quite romantic.

Happy Halloween Smut

by fngrcufs

Peanuts Linus/Sally AU

Chele- By now, you should trust me to go the route less traveled. I discovered this from a twitter recommendation, and simply couldn’t resist adding it to the Halloween collection. While the title would imply a little PWP, it is actually adorable and hilarious in addition to the porny implications.
Warning: This is not Twific. I had to go fandom hopping to the Peanuts universe for this gem. That’s right, It’s The Great Pumpkin. Now, before you throw rotten gourds at me, Linus is all grown up, but still seeks the quiet solitude of his annual escape to the pumpkin patch. Will sexy co-ed Sally join him this year? Trust. You want to find out.
fngrcufs will likely never speak to me after being included on this round-up, but if you love it like I did, it will be worth the silent treatment.


Le Casa Stregata
by Amery Marie


Emmy E/B 3-parter WIP A/U This is the first part of a three-parter from the brilliant Amery Marie. The first part has left me really intrigued, I am dying to know the answers to many questions hinted at so far. Bella’s strange dreams, why she doesn’t like being called Isabella and how Lauren is going to get her comeuppance... I cannot wait for the next 2 parts. I really encourage you to read this - the writing is great and I can feel it already building into something epic for Halloween!

All Hallows Moon
by x-Twitch-x and DangerXMagnet
Teal - Last year, I hosted a Halloween contest with some of my friends. Of all the entries, All Hallows Moon was definitely my favorite. Take a campfire on Halloween night, add in a meeting of a few strangers, spice it up with a ghost story, and you’ll be feeling some goosebumps! There’s a strange connection between Edward and Bella, but why? And the real question remains, is there any truth behind the ghost story in that area? I wouldn’t call this one a scary story or a horror, if you can’t handle that kind of thing. It’s more a a suspense and mystery, and you’d be remiss if you passed this story by! (And leave a review -- this is a very under appreciated one-shot!)

Now it's time for the tricks. Look What the Perv's have been brewing up for you.



Team Edward?? Team Jacob??? (Or a PackPervTM like Jeanne?)

Or perhaps you are into a bit more pain...
like your toys to have a sting in their tale?? & yeah... Everyone needs a fangbanger

And if your guy is into vampires

We’re hoping to get some trick-or-treaters here at the Smut Shack.


Maybe a soccer player?

Might be nice to have a sailor around........

Firemen are always a nice choice....

.



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COCKtails Oct-28-10

Who doesn’t love a good COCKtail or a decadent sweet treat? COCKtails and Other Culinary Delights is a special feature full of fabulously pervy recipes and how-tos for COCKtails, sweet treats, and other food-related pleasures. We’ll have all sorts of smuttastic ideas for a girl’s night out on the town or a “quiet” evening at home.


In honor of Halloween, let’s talk about a sweet treat that most of us love - Chocolate!

Through the ages, chocolate has been linked to love and romance. In fact, the Aztecs and Mayans thought it invigorated men and made women less inhibited, making it the perfect gift for men and women once it made its way to Europe.


Chocolate contains chemicals associated with feelings of happiness, love, passion, lust, endurance, stamina, and mood lifting, thanks to its effect on neurotransmitters and endorphins (the “feel good” chemicals) in the brain.

Countless studies have been done to try and determine whether or not there is any real merit to the aphrodisiac-like effects of chocolate. For now, it appears that there is no real scientific evidence to support it, other than the generally positive feelings people have after eating.

Regardless of the science, indulge a little in whatever form you like and enjoy the very pleasant side effects, because we all know, chocolate can be very fun to play with.

SEXY CHOCOLATE AVOCADO PUDDING

1 avocado

1/4 cup coconut milk (Thai Cuisine – organic and full fat)

3-4 tbsp Cocoa Camino powder

Agave nectar to sweeten as desired

Pinch of sea salt (to bring out the sweet)

Mix everything in a mini blender. Serve in a chilled wine glass and top with berries or eat as is.

Images of hubs swirling his finger around the inside of the glass, getting every last bit before sticking his finger out for me to suck clean... hot damn!

Lady Godiva Chocolate Martini

2 ounces of Godiva Chocolate liqueur

2 ounces of Creme de Cacao

1 ounce of half-and-half

2 ounces of freezing Goldenbarr Chocolate vodka

1 tablespoon of shaved white chocolate

2 well chilled, classy looking martini glasses

Combine the Godiva Chocolate liqueur, Creme de Cacao, and Goldenbarr Chocolate vodka into a cocktail shaker half full of cracked ice. Shake for one full minute. Add the half-and-half to the shaker and gently swirl (circular motion). Strain your fine chocolate creation into your martini glasses. Top each martini with shaved chocolate or dip the rim of the glass in cocoa powder.

This drink is perfect for a girls night in! Whip this baby up and unwind!

Double Chocolate Cupcakes

~Cake~

3oz instant chocolate pudding mix

16oz sour cream (not low fat)

2 C semisweet mini chocolate chips

1 Devils food cake mix (pudding in the mix)

3 eggs

1/2 C water

1/3 C canola oil

Heat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. Line a standard 24-cup muffin tin with cupcake liners. Miix all ingredients, except chips. Fold in chocolate chips. Bake for 15-20 minutes. Cool 15 min them remove from pan & cool on a rack. Swirl dark chocolate ganache over the top and refrigerate. Top with fresh raspberries.

~Dark Chocolate Ganache~

2 cups heavy cream

1/2 cup confectioners' sugar

1/8 teaspoon salt

1 pound bittersweet chocolate, roughly chopped

In a large saucepan, bring 2 cups heavy cream, 1/2 cup confectioners' sugar, and 1/8 teaspoon salt to a boil. Remove from heat; add 1 pound bittersweet chocolate, roughly chopped, and let stand, without stirring, for 1 minute. Whisk just until combined. Refrigerate, stirring occasionally, until spreadable, about 1 hour.

If you love chocolate cake (and even if you don’t... like me), this recipe is for you! It will have your mouth watering, and you’ll be begging for another one. Enjoy this sweet treat after a nice dinner for two at home, then grab a glass of wine and head upstairs for a little sexy time.

And if all this wasn’t enough for you... get a chocolate thong for him (“I have a heart on for you.”) and for her (“Eat your heart out.”). As soon as your partner puts on this thong, the heat from his/her body will begin to melt the chocolate heart. This is a thong for two people... Lick away!

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We want to know what turns you on, ladies! Which fics are rocking your world and are must reads for us Pervs? We want you to tell us what you like, what turns you on about this fic. Let’s talk about it over a glass of wine and get everyone reading it.

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Title: Million Dollar Baby
Author: clpsuperstar
Status: WIP
Chapters: 17
Word Count: 119,341
Summary: When Renee is diagnosed with a terminal illness, Isabella makes the ultimate sacrifice. Selling herself to the highest bidder to do with her as they please may just prove to be more than she bargained for.

*Bleriana walks into the room with two mugs and a bottle of wine. Jess is sitting in one of the two armchairs with her back to Bleriana starring at the fire, obviously lost in thought.*

"What were you thinking about, J?"

"I was thinking about that story again. You know, Million Dollar Baby. I swear that story sucked me in (pun intended) from chapter one. Do you remember how you found out about it?"

*Bleriana hands Jess her mug and slumps into the other chair, while trying to open the bottle of wine.*

"Basically I felt the need to read something ULTRA-smutty and funny-fluffy. I asked around on twitter for suggestions. I got a bunch of recs and all of them sounded pretty good, but Million Dollar Baby sort of stood out. First, because it was mentioned quite a couple of times by several tweeps that I KNOW have an awesome taste, and second, because it had been suggested to me a while back. So, I decided to give it a shot which, now that I look back, was sort of a bad idea, because I was on my way to work when I started it. Once I started, I never wanted to stop.

Usually it takes a fic about three chapters to draw me in, but in this case all it took was one sentence at the end of chapter one. Yeah, I was that easy."

*Bleriana finally manages to pop the bottle open and starts pouring the wine into Jess' mug and then fills hers as well*

*Jess giggles* "I could have told you that! Same kind of deal for me. I saw it rec’d on twitter and initially thought of the movie, but when I asked and then read the summary, I was immediately intrigued. I mean, the idea of Bella willingly selling herself to the highest bidder, of her own free will, just had me itching for the reason why. Plus, any story that has a Colossal Cockward (CCW) is just begging to be read. By the way, why didn't you get the wine glasses?"

*Bleriana shrugs* "Couldn't find them. Plus these CCW mugs are waaay cuter, more handy and more appropriate don'tcha think?"

*Jess rolls her eyes* "Seriously, though, isn't it strange how a story can get you this level of addicted?”

“After reading so many great stories, I’m not sure it’s surprising, but Million Dollar Baby has this effect, because it‘s so different from any other fic I have read so far. For one, clpsuperstar's writing is so descriptive. She describes everything in such perfect detail; it’s like you can see the whole thing as a movie in your head. At least that’s how I feel. So, I made one video of it (the next one is planned) and lots of other stuff inspired by it.



Plus, that woman cracks me up! Her sense of humor mirrors mine quite a lot. So, how could I possibly not love it? Smut itself is good, but combine smut AND fun and you've got a lethal h00r mass destruction weapon, imo. I craved this. Especially since there have been a lot of fics with the smut-angst combination for me lately.

Talking about smut: The smut is E-X-C-E-L-L-E-N-T. And I ought to know because I read lots of smut, Jess. Lots of smut. Thus, I think Million Dollar Baby can definitely keep up with the "big" fics. The lemons are ultra-hawt and don't get me started on the fucktastic build up towards the cherry pop..."

“Oh, I completely agree. I’m sort of an UST junkie, so even though there was stuff leading up to the cherry pop, I was aching for them to finally do the deed. I loved how he taught her exactly what he liked, demanded it even, and in the process showed her what she liked, too.

Plus, to be honest, I really appreciate how she has managed to tell the story with humor and snark, even though the subject matter could have been really heavy and angsty. There's no doubt clpsuperstar

has a way of bringing the characters to life. Even when I wanted to punch Edward for being such an ass, I still found myself loving him.”

"Totally. She wrote the characters such that Bella and Edward's personalities and their relationship are quite different from other fics I’ve read.

This Bella is one of the only Bellas I really really like. And that’s sayin' something since I usually either want Bella dead or to end up with Jake... just so I can grab Edward and we can drive into the sunset in his Volvo. Or something like that. You know what I mean.

Not this Bella though! She is refreshingly different. So bold and fierce and headstrong. Oh, and did I mention she doesn't take shit from Edward? Yeah I am in awe of her..."

"Yeah, I really like this Bella too! She’s ultra independent, snarky, and seriously doesn’t take any of his..."

"Enough Bella-talk. Can we talk about ColossalCockward now?" *Bleriana bounces in her seat almost spilling her wine in the process, clearly excited*

“You are seriously insane." *Jess rolls her eyes* "Fine! Let’s talk about CCW.”

"Ok, CCW is one of the hawtest Edwards I have stumbled across since... well, I'd say forever, but I'll settle for saying since Beautiful Bastard or Fifty Shades because, to me, CCW is at least the same level of hot and sexy as they are. Just think about the sweet sinful things rolling off that talented tongue of his." *Bleriana swoons*


*Jess sighs* “Yeah, he’s very swoonworthy. I love how even though he technically owns her and can do pretty much anything he wants with her, he doesn’t just use her for his own pleasure. She’s been getting lots of O’s along the way. It’s clear he has a sensitive streak... even early on.”

"Yeah I agree. But I also feel the need to point out that I love that badboy attitude he has going on. Sure there are lots of badboy Edwards walking around in the spheres of fanfic, but it's sort of always the same: Eddie is a badass badboy until Bella steps into his life and changes him into the good guy. That ain't happening this time though. CCW changes a tad bit, but he basically still remains his cocky and arrogant self. Which is good since that is a huge part of his charm and sex appeal. So damn irresistible."

*Bleriana sighs* "Badboys are my kryptonite."

“He’s definitely a badboy. I mean the whole "no panties" rule... gah!”





















"Hot damn, I know! Oh, and he got a fantastic ass."

*Jess nods fervently* "So, I mentioned early on that this story completely sucked me in from the first chapter. I meant that. Here’s the bit that made me hit the Next button.

"Well, let's see if you're worth it," he said with a sigh as he undid his pants and pulled his massive dick out.

I looked at him dumbfounded because surely he didn't expect me to lose my virginity to him in this shithole of a place like this. I mean, I know I'm his property now, but…really?

"On your knees, Isabella. Or the deal is off and you can go home with the lard ass in the other room. He really seemed to want you," he said with a sexy smirk while he stroked his glorious cock with one hand. "Now, show me your appreciation."

Problem number one…I had never given a blow job in my entire life.

And then from there, him teaching her how to give him a proper BJ... hot damn!

But the thing I've really loved the most is watching them progress and try to deal with their feelings while they navigate through the murky waters of her sexual inexperience. Call me a sap, but I love how tender he can be, even when he’s barking out orders at her. And seriously, seeing the two of them try to process through all the crazy feelings they’ve been having when it’s just supposed to be about sex.”

"True. True, but I have to say it was bound to happen. Of course they'd fall madly in love! What I was mesmerized by was the fact that we could FEEL it. Yes, we knew it was coming and yet, I could feel them falling for each other. I got all giddy at the cute little moments that brought them closer and all pissed that it took them ages to figure it out."

“Exactly! Like when she made him breakfast. Who knew burned bacon could be so freaking hot?!”

"No shit! That was hysterical."

*Jess & Bleriana burst into fits of laughter before Jess clears her throat and gets serious again.*

“But on a more serious note, it was interesting seeing how they changed as individuals and as a couple, if you can really call them that, given the business-nature of their relationship.”

“Did you feel like their roles were reversed after a while? I mean Bella was supposed to be Edward‘s slave, but sometimes it felt more like it was the other way around. He seemed to be addicted to her so badly. I'd even go as far as calling him insatiable. Not that I had a problem with that..."

“Oh, there’s no doubt he’s insatiable, and I agree their roles definitely reversed a little. I think that’s because he felt some measure of trust there. He owns her, and therefore, he can do whatever he wants to her and with her. It helps that she’s just as into it as he is. And plus, after everything he went through with Tanya and Jake... I don’t blame him for being the way he is.”

"OMG yes!" *Bleriana screeches way to loudly causing Jess to shrink back* "The whole Tanya/Jacob thing was one thing, but did YOU expect the whole James thing?"

“That completely caught me off guard. Talk about SURPRISE and ewwww!”

*Bleriana shudders* "Can we go back to a bit more... uhm... happy topics?" *

“I don’t know about getting paid... that’s Bella’s job, but the smut is freaking fantastic. I mean every scene is well written, vivid, descriptive without being too much... and I can seriously still smell the bacon. And the scene on the piano... unf!”

"Unf is right, bb! Glad we both agree on the smutaliciousness of this fic...

The fact is, Jess, I have read lots of smut. I love smut. If it were liquid or something, I'd bathe in it. So I think I can judge good lemons and bad lemons. Million Dollar Baby most definitely has VERY good lemons. I already mentioned how much I loved the cherry-pop-build-up, but it's not just that. clpsuperstar has an incredible way of describing lemons. The way she weaves the act itself and the emotion together is just... indescribably good. It's amazing how she can deliver at least the same super good quality every single chapter.

Truly amazing. She puts so much thought into it. I don't even need to mention this, because you can clearly feel that when reading. Plus, she likes to put filthy words into his mouth, amongst other things. (pun intended since the moment I read this)."

*Both lean back against their seat, somewhat calmed down, sipping their barely touched wine absently. A few seconds of silence pass before they're suddenly interrupted by Bleriana screeching*

"Oh my god, bitch!!!"

*Jess opens her eyes wide in shock and confusion*

"We totes almost forgot Gay Gabe!! How could we talk about God and the world and leave out Gabe?!"

“Um, because we were too busy talking about CCW? But OMG yes! He is seriously the highlight of this entire fic! Every time I read a scene with him in it, I just cackle with laughter. His fascination with Adam Lambert is too freaking much! I just can’t even!”

"I love Gabe. Wish I had a BFF to DEF like him..."

*Both sigh and then bust into another fit of laughter*

“Seriously, though, I really love this fic. I’m anxious to see where clpsuperstar takes this whole James bit and how Edward and Bella work through things now that they are where they are... I don’t want to give anything away.”

"Agreed. People should just read it if they want to know what the hell we’re talking about. Million Dollar Baby really is a fic EVERYBODY should read. It's got smut for the pervs, fun for the people that like to laugh, and a tad bit of angst to round it out. If you're searching for a fic, that'll keep your girly bits tingling, then this fic is for you!”

*Jess and Bleriana continue sipping on their wine and musing about Million Dollar Baby remembering each chapter to make the time until the next update shorter*

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Bleriana is the owner of The Cold Shower blog, a pervtastic source for all things RobprOn, and Jessypt is one of our darling Pervs!!

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Feature 10-25-10

PPSS Special Feature...

Dark Delights is a new feature that takes our Pervs to the darkside of erotic fic. The most deviant Pervs of the pack have lined up quite a selection of fics for you to explore, if you're brave enough. Strap yourself in, take a deep breath and don't forget your safe word.

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Jeanne's Pick

Breaking the Girl by swill122
Leah/Felix, AU, o/s. Warning: Blood, BDSM, Edge Play.
This one shot was written to answer to a prompt that I left in the . It was my hope to just get a little smutty fun with one of my top non-canon pairings. Swill122 blew all my expectations out of the water, and she set my pants on fire.

It’s only fair to warn that this is not a story for the faint of heart. This delightfully dark one shot is an AU that follows Leah’s journey to Volterra, after volunteering to be a “guest.” She finds herself in the shadowy world of the Volturi, and in the sights of Felix. The story centers on their interactions and budding relationship. These two do a delicious dance of flirtatious banter and violent play that can walk the line for some readers. It’s a balancing act that Swill122 pulls off with the unparalleled grace of a trapeze artist. I found myself squirming with goosebumps covering my arms, and aching for more.

Put on your big girl pants, and lock yourself in a room. It’s time to play dirty with Leah and Felix. You’ll like it, I promise, maybe a little too much. Don’t worry, I won’t judge you. ;)

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Chele's Picks

Deceptive Little Flower by LoreliD
Jane, Pre-canon, o/s

It really doesn’t get any darker than canon Jane, and few write her as well as LoreliD. Deceptive Little Flower is sinister and dark and perfect. Jane has tired of having her meals delivered and seeks out the seductive scent of a beautiful young man to satisfy her thirst, both for blood and for pleasure. When she finds her prey, the only question is whether she will sate her erotic desires before the compulsion to drink cuts her fun short.

Being in Jane’s head is wicked. Her sense of entitlement is so insidious that I don’t even want her to feel remorse for her prey, which is good, because she certainly isn’t going to. The scene is set perfectly, every word loads down the senses with intensity. The hints of Jane’s relationship with Aro are subtle and tantalizing, causing my mind to compulsively go places it didn’t want to.
LoreliD has a special gift to write a tale that makes me want the villain to win, and this little erotic story of hunter and prey is a perfect example.


Edgeplay by DirtyBrat
Bella/Edward, AH, WIP/2 chapters. Warning: SERIOUS FUCKING BDSM,

Sometimes darkness is about perception, a deep desire of the mind. Edgeplay is an extremely intense, and beautifully crafted exploration of a couple’s journey into BDSM play. This is not your mom’s cute, kinky sex story (if it is, I want to meet her). Bella and Edward are practiced participants and take part in some serious play.
DirtyBrat takes care to insert the subtle realities of being in the moment during a scene, noting the wanderings of the mind, the hesitations, and the skills that Bella employs to push through them to reach the pinnacle.

Edgeplay is exactly as it’s title suggests, and the players involved are satisfying their cravings for experiences which push the boundaries of their own comfort zones, taking them to the absolute heights of erotic ecstasy. No doubt it will drag the rest of us along with them.

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Miss Kitty's Picks

Okies, now I’m the first to admit that I’m an HEA, sunshine and rainbows kitteh...however, this kitteh has a dark side. I do enjoy a good dark and twisty tale.


Red Heart by PhoenixRising25
Edward/Bella, AH. Warning: Bloodplay

One of my personal little kinks is that I absolutely LOVE to read about blood play. I don’t know what it is, but especially in the vamp world is seriously turns my crank. This one shot is from PhoenixRising25 called Red Heart. It takes place in the vamp on vamp world where Bella has a pint of her human blood saved just before she is changed. She meets Edward in the meadow and they get to gettin’ with the bloody sexy times. Ohhh yeah! I think it’s the intimacy of the blood play that I love and the primal aspect of it. I don’t know, maybe I’m just a bit of a freak like that, but I can live with that.


Something Wicked This Way Comes by lilly9999
Edward, AU, OOC

My second rec is something particularly dark and twisty one shot by lilly9999 called Something Wicked This Way Comes. This is an Edward that grabs me by the short hairs and makes me all wonky in my brain. It follows the same vein as the Twilight story, but with a decidedly more dark twist to it. I don’t want to give too much away, but suffice it to say that Edward gets taught the proper way to love by Tanya and thus uses his new found skill to overcome his thirst for human blood...until he meets Bella that is. Okay, that’s all I’m going to say. Trust me, if you like a little dark and twisty, you will LOVE!

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Emmy's Picks

I know I am probs the weirdest WP ever. But I love a darkward... So sue me... ;) I love the Edward who is desperate to drink from his singer. Who sometimes doesn’t even try to stop himself from taking what is his - other times he fights it to the death (often quite literally). Yes my recc’s fall in the rough domain of being WP safe. But there is deffo a bit more bite to these tales than you would find in the Team WussPerv recc’s...

Up Side Down by BettiGefecht
Edward/Bella, AU, O/S

Ok. Although Edward is the vamp in this story - Bella is to me the dark character in this tasty wee O/S. Edward auditions for a band, and is instantly taken by the vulnerable lead singer Bella. He is consumed by her and joins the band with his own agenda. Not knowing that Bella might have her own. Interesting and although not technically a DarkWard - its got a great edge...


This Mortal Coil by Eddie’s Cherry
Edward/Bella, AU, o/s, ANGST Warning: NOT WUSSPERV SAFE

If we are talking DarkWard we MUST MUST MUST MUST MUST talk this fic. BUT WUSSPERV’S OF THE WORLD BEWARE!!! THIS IS NOT WP SAFE!!! But yes I still read it! Eddie’s Cherry aka Moiz is too fabulous a person and a writer to not read it. If you are broken and are searching for your escape - what can bring you relief? An amazing O/S that hints at the humanity and salvation that lies behind the beast... My fave quote ever from my fave book ever I think works beautifully for this fic:

“The softness of the lover in the beast”

But its up to you to see if the Lover or The Beast win in this Edward...

The Canonical Five by EchoesofTwilight
Carlisle, AU (Dark Vamp), o/s

My final pick is a fabulous and very dark piece featuring dear Big Daddy C aka The Good Doctor - pre twilight.... Sure, sure! He’s a good guy now. All about helping folks and healing the needy etc... But who knows what the feck he was up to when he was newly turned and on the loose in Old London Town..... In fact what if Carlisle was around when bad things were happening on the streets of London. Which side would he be on? Brilliantly written by darling Em. I swear she can write Vamps like no-one else. She also writes the DELISH Innocence is Dripping Red. (A DarkWard Edward with a very special feeding habit) Read The Canonical Five - its a very different Carlisle - one who, to me, is believably portrayed in light of his sudden and severe change, and his extreme and religious family beliefs. Brilliant

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Jen's Picks

Silent Signs by LAli-Cat
Alice/Jasper, AU, o/s

This wonderful o/s takes SM’s basic story of Alice’s time as a human and tweaks it a bit and it really works. Alice is institutionalized and her existence is not what anyone would consider truly living. She has a visitor at night, but the hospital staff believe he’s simply another one of her delusions. Alice can be herself around him--she doesn’t have to hide her visions. The only affection and kindness shown to her comes on the nights of his visits. He also gains something from their visits--sustenance. LAli-Cats description of Alice’s existence is chilling; only the details of her day to day life in the hospital could possibly make what happens at night preferable, even when her days are made harder by the same visits that she lives for.

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These are just a few Dark Delights to warm up your cold Fall nights. If you have dark erotic fics that you’d like to share feel free to leave a comment or tweet us at @PPSSBlog.

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The Naughty Nurse is an advice column that addresses reader’s most burning questions on sexual health/relationships. STDs, birth control, is it real or is it fic, sexual positions--you name it. There are no stupid questions, only ones that are too embarrassing to ask someone you know. If Naughty Nurse Kimpy doesn’t know the answer, she’ll find an expert who does!

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DISCLAIMER:

The information and advice from Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is for entertainment/educational purposes only and is not intended to be used as expert medical advice. It is not meant to replace the advice of your physician. All medical advice and information should be considered to be incomplete without a physical exam, which is not possible without a visit to your doctor.

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Well, I don't know about you, dear readers, but I had so much fun with the last Naughty Nurse post! Some more great questions popped into the mailbox, along with some follow up items to take care of. Welcome to my Naughty Nurse Den of Iniquity!!

I would like to expand on the DP question. Is it wise? How stretched out will you get from either form of DP? And will you end up perpetually "loose" from then on? Will you suffer "porn girl disease" with an unattractive gaping maw?

If you have anal intercourse, are there to expect bowel movement problems or dirty fingers (preparation) or a soiled member, if you don't use condoms? Is licking the anus unhealthy?

Regarding DP: I was hoping you would also address whether it is or is not wise to venture in that area. Can one get TOO stretched out? Therefore losing previous tightness? How bad are the consequences to all forms of DP? Think hot dog in a vacuous tunnel.

OK, first things first here. With DP, or anal intercourse, or even vaginal intercourse, you need to remember one thing: The vagina, and the anus, are both made up of skin that is highly elastic. Vaginas need to stretch to accommodate an 8 lb. baby passing through. Likewise, the anus is responsible for dumping waste, and has to stretch to accommodate that waste. Once the poop is out the chute, it contracts back to normal. Once you have a baby, your vagina gradually shrinks back to its old shape, more or less. Not quite as tight as pre-pregnancy, but still in shape to have great sex for many years to come. In the anus, the sphincter muscle is extremely tight, and it doesn't suddenly lose its shape because you've been having anal sex. If it did, there would be a lot of people running around with fecal incontinence!

So, is DP wise? Really, that's up to you and your partner(s). You don't need to worry about hot dogs in vacuous tunnels, or porn girl disease. Remember the mantra from last week, the DP Trifecta: Lube, preparation, and protection, and you should be fine. Practice good hygiene whenever you are working around the anus. Wash your hands and use condoms or dental dams. If you're really worried about anal cleanliness, you can always use an anal douche, available at most sex shops or online. If you've just had anal sex, your partner should wash his peen before it goes near your vag. It's a little messy, but if you take a few precautions, you can have lots of fun and still be safe.

Naughty Nurse Kimpy's PSA on the medical aspect of Ass to Mouth or Ass to Vag: DO. NOT. DO. IT. PERIOD. The regular bacterial flora that exists within the colon belongs only one place--in your intestines. When you take something like E. coli and put it in a novel environment, like, say, the vagina, it's almost as if you just sent that little bacterium on an all-expenses paid vacation to the Bahamas. The vagina, like the colon, is a moist, dark, warm place. It's an excellent breeding ground for bacteria. An incubator, if you will. Let me say that you do not want to get an messy infection in your vagina from bacteria that typically live in the colon; it isn't a Bahamas vacation for you, should that happen. Likewise, Ass to Mouth can lead to some nasty infections, too. While your mouth is part of the gastrointestinal tract, it isn't used to your intestinal bacteria, either. A good friend of mine, who happens to be gay, has had three incredibly nasty GI tract infections in the last two years because he cannot abide by the rule that Ass to Mouth isn't a good idea. He never listens. *sigh*

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How do I get an orgasm with masturbation by just fingers.

It's actually pretty straightforward. I'm going to assume you know where the clit is (hey--you'd be surprised at how many women DO NOT know!!). If not, Google it, and familiarize yourself with your lady bits' anatomy. All you really need is some good lubrication, some stimulation, and presto! You're jilling off!

A good lube to try is one with lasting power--we mentioned several in last week's post. A good choice is a long-lasting, water-based lube, such as Astroglide, Pjur, KY silk, or Sliquid H2O. Go ahead and lube up your clit, but also your labia/lips (the lower lips, that is...). Assume any position that is comfortable for you--on your back, on all fours, standing up... it's your choice. Try several different options to see what is the most comfortable. Maybe you want to read smut/porn on the computer; try sitting in a chair. Really, the sky is the limit here, and the most important thing is to go with what feels right for you.

As for the actual stimulation itself, again, go with what feels natural and exciting. Some women prefer to use all of their fingers, rubbing them over the clitoral area. Some use only one, like the index or middle finger. Some women prefer to slide a few fingers into their vagina while they stimulate their clit with the other hand. You can also pinch the clit between your index finger and thumb if you want a little more intensity. I have a friend who uses a nipple clamp to twist on her nipple with one hand while stimulating her clit with the other hand. The bottom line is that there is genuinely no incorrect way to do this, unless of course you miss the clit altogether!

To ensure you get the "O" you seek, you simply need to keep stimulating your clit long enough to induce an orgasm. Once again, each woman's reaction to clitoral stimulation can be incredibly varied. Some come easily, others take a while. If you feel like it is taking you too long, consider adding things to the mix. As I mentioned before, you can read erotica while stimulating your clitoris, or look at erotic pictures or videos. In general, the more turned on you are when you start clitoral stimulation, the more quickly you will come.

For more information, there is a great website that deals specifically with masturbation and techniques (male and female, and VERY NSFW). Check it out: Advanced Masterbation.com

Happy masturbating!! It's a great stress reliever, and as Woody Allen once said, "Hey, don't knock masturbation! It's sex with someone I love!"

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What's the word on douching? My mother swears by it, but most others in my age bracket (23-28) say it's no longer done. What's the reason behind douching, and is it really that important?

I'm SO glad you asked that question! The bottom line, and I cannot emphasize this enough, DO. NOT. DOUCHE. Vaginas maintain a very controlled pH balance all on their own, which keeps them healthy and happy. Douching completely disrupt this natural balance, paving the way for things like yeast and bacterial infections, or worse, Pelvic Inflammatory Disease. Seriously, if you want to mess with a pussy's mojo, douching is a great way to accomplish this.

Another really interesting and special thing vaginas do is vary their pH balance throughout your monthly cycle. For instance, when you are ready to have your period, your vagina's pH is at its most acidic. Hormone levels are responsible for the changes in pH. When you ovulate, your pH levels are actually designed to assist the sperm to get where they need to go. Thus, when you douche, you are really messing things up for your poor little cooter. Nature has its own best way to keep your vag in tip top shape.

Historically, advertisers convinced women that vaginas were messy, smelly things, and that if only we would douche, the mess and the smell could be eliminated. WRONG. If you bathe regularly and use good hygiene, your vagina can manage things just fine. Once upon a time, common wisdom held that vaginas were dirty, especially following your period. Giving yourself a douche after your period ended was a way to "sanitize" your lady bits. Again, the only thing that douching post-period does is upsets the vagina's natural pH balance, leaving you open to infection. It's just not a good idea, no matter how ingrained the idea may be in your mother's generation's heads.

Lastly, I hate that this needs to be said, but it does, because urban legends run strong and deep. Douching after sex, with either a regular vinegar/water mix or with Coca-Cola, DOES NOT PREVENT PREGNANCY. There is nothing, NOTHING, about douching that makes sex safer. There is only one hole where Coca-Cola belongs, and that is in your MOUTH. Any questions?

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Here are a couple of follow up comments from last week's readers.

Wonderful to see that you are providing this information [on Pap smear recommendations] but please ladies if you are sexually active you need to have a pap smear. Waiting until you're 21 could lead to disaster. Many countries outside the US follow this recommendation. Look after your body afterall it's the only one you have.

If you are breastfeeding with nipple piercings, be sure that you take the barbells out first, because the ball could loosen and choke your baby while they nurse.

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Do you have a question for Naughty Nurse Kimpy? Click the banner below, fill out the form, and get your answer in the next installment of Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy.

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The Lemon Report - Fancy finding out what is on the FF bookshelves of the Pervy Girls of the PPSS? The lemon report lets you know our personal favorite updates of the week, and why you should give the fic a try.... It’s a great place to trawl for new recc’s and don’t forget to share your favorite update with us by leaving us a comment.

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Bunny Does NYC

by denverpopcorn

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Chele - I love this one shot like crazy. Edward works in the projection booth in a porn theater in the 70’s, Bella is a fresh innocent lost in the big city. The details are so well-written it’s like I was there. It has one of the most unique and vivid interpretations of the meadow scene I’ve read. The passionate physicality left me panting and hoping it will be continued. I have no idea who this denverpopcorn is, but I immediately put her on author alert after reading this one-shot.

Emmy - This is on my ‘To-do-list’ (alongside sex & another couple of fics! lol! hahahah) As a couple of my delish perv’s have recc’d it to me...

Kitty - What is THIS?! *runs off to add this to my to-be-read list*

Jess - Oh my... this looks like fun!

Jeanne - I love this adorable little one shot like crazy. It's so sweet even though it was set in the seedy underworld of New York City's redlight district. You all know how I feel about Ed/Bella stories, but this one is on my fav fic list. Give it a chance, you won't regret it.

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Beyond Time
by TKegl

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Emmy - I had this author on my alert list for a fic or 2, and I kept getting alerts for this story. But I hadn’t dug into this one before a boring train journey on Saturday... Holy moley. Lots of stolen kisses, trying to be restrained and good because its the turn-of-the-century leads to VERY hot and intense times once they finally “yield” to their love. Woah mama! **fans self** Tkegl wrote these two and their at times chaste courtship beautifully. To the point that scenes which would be decidedly vanilla and mundane to kids & perv’s today read downright dirty... Its wonderful! Certain scenes had me blushing - due to how much you could tell it meant to this B and E. How long they had waited. (E not knowing quite how long B had waited for him...)This story is a ‘Bella ends up back in Edward’s Chicago in 1918 after barely surviving in the months since Edward left her behind and in pieces’ fic. But its intriguing and very well done. Carlisle’s canon character is very well done - especially is his ‘interest’ in Bella. But what I love best is how Bella copes with seeing Edward again, and how Edward with no prior exposure or knowledge of his future love and lust for Bella falls for her. Beautifully done! Oh & if you love this you will also love Only Human In Beyond Time - Chastity & UST = DELISH!

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Pegged
by Subtlepen

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Jeanne - OMG this fic. Fuck! I’m not even sure I can be coherent about how awesome, thoughtful and FUCKING HOT this story is. Seriously, this is the fic for those of you that are scared of slash and kink. Despite what you might think it is Wussperv safe, just trust me. Open your mind, and hearts to this delicious erotic adventure. UNF!

Teal - Subtlepen rocks my fucking world. That is all.

Jen - I fell, and fell hard, for Pegged when Subtlepen first posted it. I was so excited when the alert for a new chapter popped up in my inbox, and I was not disappointed. I’m completely in love with the ‘voice’ Subtlepen has given Bella in the latest chapter. Bella and Edward are grown ups, in a mature relationship, and the realism of this second chapter is gorgeous and inspiring.

Chele - Thank fuck Subtlepen added another chapter to this story or I may never have known it existed. What am amazing job of creating a vivid and perfect scene, then completely pulling the rug out from under me. It was erotic, intense, and uplifting. This newest chapter held a realism I find starkly lacking in most fics that deal with sexual exploration. I love, love, loved it and I will promptly be begging for another dozen chapters.

Emmy - I LOVE Liz! Subtlepen We recc’d her Mind Over Matter back as a Team WP recc. I’ve had her on alert since before then.. She does write some non-WP fics though... But I think most WP’s can handle Pegged.... Its delish AND realistic... Perfect! I cannot wait for her to add more to this slutty but sweet saga! Its a total treat! Enjoy it!

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Raw and Rosy
by Tuesdaymidnight

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Jeanne - OMFG! Tuesdaymidnight is killing me with these two. The sex, emotional depth and EDWARD POV!!! I love how this complicated relationship just keeps going deeper and deeper. I was very flaily when I got to the end of this chapter, but I trust that she will end this story in a way that will make me ache, swoon and want to bear her children, more than I do already. *happy sigh*

Chele - At first, this was a smutty indulgence read for me, but as the story progressed, the characters really developed and I became invested them. It’s a difficult balance to include sexuality in nearly every chapter of a fic and still keep me interested, but this keeps me coming back for more each time. The chapter was no exception. Wickedly hot, and emotionally charged.

Emmy - Yet again this fic is owning my ARSE!! (pun unintended). Gah. I can’t believe we are almost at the end. The emotions revealed by the EPOV in the latest chapter has killed me dead. Again!!! I have a wee kernel of hope for these two boys. But my heart is also pretty feart.... **wobbly bottom lip**

Jess - OMG! Finally! This chapter was freaking phenomenal and EPOV to boot! The ending left me all flaily, warm, and gushy! If you haven’t read this story, get on it... literally, now!

Jen - I’m not ready for this to be over! I might be repeating myself, but the fact that the emotions are what grabbed me the most in this chapter, and not the smut (although it was as delicious as ever), speaks volumes about Tuesdaymidnight’s skill as a writer. I’ve re-read this chapter several times now, and I think the heartclenches are just growing stronger each time.

Kimpy - *Interrupts her private time with Raw and Rosy to comment on the chappie* Oh, dear god in heaven, you KNOW that I’m a h00r for Edward in general, but a R+R EPOV? I still haven’t fully recovered from this one. These boys are so magnetic, charismatic, yummy, and alluring. I just love to sit back and watch the chapter unfold in front of me. It makes me feel incredibly voyeuristic, and I love that. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that my wussperv heart will remain intact when this story ends, but one can never be quite sure. Never mind that Tuesdaymidnight ruined me for the song “With You In My Head,” which ALWAYS reminds me of these two spankalicious bois--every time I hear a slapping noise, I look around to see where Edward and Jasper are. Bitch. I love you something fierce.

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Oceans of Doubt

by Belindella

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Kitty - Our dear sweet little Emmers brought this little nugget to my attention and I am in freaking LOVE! This Edward makes me so happy in my pants I can’t even stand it, he’s surferward that has spent a few years in Australia and has those hot little Aussie sayings that make my toes curl. Bella can’t stand him but I mean really, how long can that really last? It’s only 4 chapters in but make sure you are buckled up for chapter 3, there’s some fingering on the couch that made me squeal like a piglet! GAH! Seriously, GAH-HA-HA-HAHA!

Emmy - I am seriously in love with this fic. The tension is brilliant. Bella is interesting and unusual I think in spirit and situation. I enjoy the characterizations of others - especially this Rosalie, and Edward? Well he is quite the fitty! Amazing UST and some top-notch storytelling. The lemons when they come are going to be juicy! ;)

Jen - My tbr list grows every Tuesday! Who can resist the call of a surfing Edward? Not me! *click--bookmark*

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Just call me Shameless
by OhPenelope5446

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Teal - I found this story on a random fic dive, and it has a lot of waaaaay too convenient run-ins between Edward and Bella, but the dirty wall fucking/doggy style combo in the first chapter has me hoping for more of that Shameless smut.

Emmy - Shameless smut? I’m in! **scarpers off to read**

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Paper CutOuts

by twistedcoincidence and astible13

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Teal - What can I say? I love pregnancy sex. Even though things don’t necessarily turn out as these two expected, I was still happy to see their reunion!

Emmy - Teal?! I am so surprised you are a PCO fan!!! :) This is one of the fics that I adore - even when I want to give the characters a rollicking aka tell the characters off & smack their heads off of each other... The scene stealer in this fic is Edward’s son Finn. He. Is. Adorable... (yup he even trumps, sexy, tatt’d DADDYWARD!) As I have said before - I have a very soft spot for a well done DaddyWard. This one fills all my boxes. Or ticks them.. Whatever! ;)

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Giofogach

by ltlerthqak

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Jess - I have had this story on alert for a long time and am just now finally getting a chance to read it. There are no words for how ltlerthqak paints these characters and scenes in this fic. She has a lovely, visceral, and very visual style that makes me feel like I can “smell” everything there. Bella is a carnie with an enhanced sense of smell and has to struggle with life’s realities and attitudes toward carnies when she meets her fioghra, or one true love, Edward. The chemistry and draw between these two is powerful, I can’t wait to see what it’s like when she finally brings them together.

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Let’s Get Physical
by Lalina

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Jess - Lalina freaking killed me with this chapter! It’s full of self realizations, love, and HAWT wall sex! Sweet heavens... I need a moment!

Jen - Who says you can’t be Team Anything Goes *and* indulge in some sweet, fluffy E/B fic? I love this story hard. It never fails to make me laugh, even in the chapters where it felt like nothing was going right for Bella. Bella is finally getting her much deserved smexytimes on with Personal Trainerward, and the sexing is as delicious and decadent as molten chocolate lava cake.

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Starry Eyed Inside
by Rochelle Allison

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Jess - So, I’m a sucker for high school fics. Ro does an amazing job of crafting a mysterious Edward and a Bella that you’ll actually love. She’s strong and independent, but they are still drawn to each other. The UST and lemons are just... yeah, go read it! You’ll love it!

Emmy - I am still flailing for this fic! Brillo

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Yearbook

by Dance Alice Dance

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Jen - I am really sad that I have no idea who rec’d this to me, because I want to kiss them all over. It’s senior year at Forks High for Edward, Jacob, and the gang. To say Edward and Jake dislike each other is putting it mildly. Throughout the o/s we learn more about Edward and can see that some of the anger he spews at Jake is just a front. What happens when they each sign the other’s yearbook? Go read this sweet o/s and find out!

Chele - This was adorable. While I craved more smut, it was tender and happy slash.

Jeanne - As a Ed/Jake fangirl I nearly exploded when I saw the summary for this fic. I love the relationship, dialog and UST (that kept me on the edge of my seat) in this beautiful, and and all too brief one shot. It is heartwarming, realistic and left me aching to know more about these men. *heartclench*

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Diva Diaries

by KiyaRaven

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Jen - KiyaRaven always brings the sexy smut and snarky laughs. In her newest fic she brings intense passion, UST, and a healthy dose of hatred between Edward and Bella. The story alternates anecdotes from the diary Bella kept in drama school, when she and Edward first met, to present time, where Edward and Bella are in rehearsals for a new Broadway play. KiyaRaven hit this chapter out of the park. The most recent chapter has a passionately angry and hateful argument between Edward and Bella back in drama school. If these are the fireworks they can produce while arguing, what’s going to happen when they do get together romantically? I cannot wait.

Emmy - Ooh! I love this fic! Its so good.The UST could be cut with a knife. I LOVE the complex back story to these two actors and the journey they both went on as young actors in training. Especially inexperienced Bella - I think she finds her education in different ways.... Pure brilliance.

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Breaking News

by WriteOnTime

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Kimpy - I’ve been an avowed WriteOnTime fan for a longer period of time than I’ve been writing, so we are steeped in history. I’ve been remiss at getting started with Breaking News, because I was afraid that nothing could match one of my all-time favorite stories, also by WOT, “The Port Angeles Players.” I needed to start reading some new fic, so I dove into BN this weekend, and OH MY FUCKING GOD!! I don’t know what kind of stick was up my ass, but people, this story is amazing. Incredible. Dramatic. And let me tell you, the Unresolved Sexual Tension? You can put it right up there in the UST Hall of Fame, following Lifetime UST HoF members Agents Scully and Mulder. Oh yes, it is THAT good. I felt like I was discovering a new “Behind Enemy Lines,” it was so intense and delicious. In a twist on canon, Bella is more like canon Edward, and Edward is more like canon Bella, and the result is the sexual chemistry equivalent of TNT. It takes a while for these two to finally do the dirty deed, but it is incredibly satisfying once they finally do. It made ME want to go smoke a cigarette! GO. READ. NOW. PERIOD.

Jen - I love this story. WriteOnTime is amazing. I adore her Edward, even when he’s being an arrogant jerk. Bella is sassy and confident and then fumbling and insecure in equal measures, and you’ll be rooting for her no matter what. As a bonus, this smartly written, well-crafted story has the fandom’s best and most fun Tanya.

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The Training

by Tara_Sue_Me

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Kimpy - I cannot avoid commenting on the last installment of Kalimando’s FGB-commissioned piece for “The Training.” The last of the three chapters posted yesterday, and with it, my heart clenched rather tightly. I’m never ready to say goodbye to these two, and I was especially interested to see how they would handle a week-long, 24/7 Dom/sub relationship. I was very surprised by the way the ending played out, but pleasantly so. It felt right to me, and it allowed us, as readers, to see more of their inner psyche, and their deep, abiding love for one another. So yeah, in a nutshell? My heart melted. Tara Sue Me, you had me at “Hello,” or at least at “Seeing her kneel before me? Wearing only my collar? It's like no other high imaginable.” GAH! Oh, Tara, are you sure you don’t have any other yummy tidbits in that deliciously twisted brain of yours? I *promise* to behave...

Emmy - I echo Kimpy. Gah for the last chapter. Gah for the whole series. Gah. Gah. Gah. (ps Tara - I would LOVE to see these 2 switching scenes again... now Edward is emotionally stable and all that! ;) No need for it to now trigger a Turpentine....

Jess - I’d be remiss if Tara_Sue_Me and it did not disappoint. I have loved watching these two grow individually and in their relationship and look forward to any more random snippits that Tara might throw our way!

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